


Retrace

by twelvepercentofaplan



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Post-Infinity War, Post-Movie(s), Rocket and co. all need a hug, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:58:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9669815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twelvepercentofaplan/pseuds/twelvepercentofaplan
Summary: And on top of all’a that loss we already know, like I said, we lost even more. We can never come back to what we used to be. I should’a expected this to happen, honestly. I heard in passing once or twice that the greatest things fade the fastest.And whoever said it sure as hell was right.Coz that bright light that popped its way into my life four years ago burned out in what felt like a second.There's nowhere for them to go after the battle against Thanos. Nothing seems to matter. With two members of their tightly knit family gone, the Guardians of the Galaxy are almost a lost cause.And then Rocket found an interesting little note from Peter Jason Quill...





	

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a story in the works for TWO FUCKING YEARS.
> 
> While looking through an old folder for material for potential use in Ricochet, I found this. And lemme tell ya, it was a DOOZY to write this thing. Not much changed in terms of the plot. Only things not planned was having Tony Stark and Peter Parker make cameos. And also the inclusion of Mantis, but she was an easy addition.
> 
> I had inspiration from this from another story I read AGES ago on another site. Can't remember what series it was for, but it involved someone's long dead friend or something leaving them notes. It was a cool concept so I wanted to adapt it in my own way.
> 
> Post Infinity War coz it makes the most sense. And for maximum sad effect, listen to these songs to get in the mood:
> 
> \- Retrace by Anberlin  
> \- The Kids Aren't Alright - Fall Out Boy  
> \- What Now...? - Bentley Jones  
> \- Still Here (Another Year) - Bentley Jones  
> \- Through The Trees - Low Shoulder  
> \- Purple Rain - Prince
> 
> Seriously, these songs are like GUT PUNCHES. Listen to 'em.

Cold.

It’s cold, cold in every possible meaning of the word. Physically, the three of us aboard this tiny cruiser that could hardly fit six of us are frozen to our very bones and... vines. Yeah, I’ll call 'em vines, I guess. The heating system is off, although definitely not out of commission. The thing’s been runnin’ fine ever since I’d done my good ol’ Rocket-thing to it. It’s only off because we’re short on cash and we need to save as much fuel as possible for making it planetside of…

We don’t have anywhere to go. We’re lost.

That’s the other part of this coldness. It’s cold, cold in the sense that we are numb, filled up to our brinks with nothin’ else but tragedy, pain, sadness, and anger all at once. We don’t know where to go, we don’t know what to do. Usually I have a plan. And I don’t have a set plan, I have at least the slightest idea or concept of where we should go, what we should be doin’. But I don’t. I got nothin’, for the first time in a terribly long time.

Usually Quill’d tell me what we need to do if I get stuck in a rut like this. He’d gimme the advice and specifications on what I need to do to keep these guys goin’ while he’s unavailable. But… things happen and I can’t get that advice right about now. 

**_Thanos_ ** happened.

And I’m glad it’s over. Hell, we all are. Me, Groot, Mantis, and Gamora are all so damn glad it’s all finished. We shoulda died, lost our lives in a firefight, gotten murdered brutally by the purple skinned titan who really should've used his powers to their peaks. But he was a soft, dumb, ugly piece’a shit.

At the end of it, I ended up with a broken wrist after gettin’ my ass kicked before Groot came and saved me from havin’ my head turned into a melon. Gamora was in desperate need of repairs with her cybernetics, things I could have very well helped with if I wasn’t wounded so brutally myself.

Mantis helped us all the best she could medically, though. She's back on Xandar right now though, aiding in helping the wounded due to her medical history. We plan on picking her back up in a week or two. She got lucky, only suffering minor wounds that required pretty much ointment and a few bandages.

And after we pick her up, we’re all gonna go back and live life the way it used to be for us.

Right?

No.

No, we can’t do that, actually. 

Things happened, remember? Life is cruel and unforgiving to us, all of us. We lost a lot, more than we could’a ever imagined losin’ during our lifetime, given the fact that we've all already lost what we thought was enough. Gamora lost her family way back before we’d ever known one another, I’d lost whatever innocence I’d had before a lil’ place called Halfworld came about in my goddamn life. Groot had it all back on his home planet, a place called Planet X, but he got kicked outta there coz of some personal beliefs he has. Don’t ask me what, the guy never talks about it. It’s painful for him, and I don’t wanna pick at a wound that’s just gonna never quit pourin’ blood once it’s open. And Mantis? Hell, the girl never got a chance to meet anyone off’a Ego’s vessel 'til we popped up. Maybe she didn't lose much, but she never had a chance to lose anything.

But I ain't gonna pry at anyone’s personal history. Not in our current states of mind.

And on top of all’a that loss we already know, like I said, we lost even more. We can never come back to what we used to be. I should’a expected this to happen, honestly. I heard in passing once or twice that the greatest things fade the fastest.

And whoever said it sure as hell was right.

Coz that bright light that popped its way into my life four years ago burned out in what felt like a second.

“I called him idiot.” I recall, sittin’ at the edge of the pilot’s seat in the cockpit, hands danglin’ loosely off my knees. One of ‘em, the left one, is wrapped up in a navy blue colored cast so thick it feels it just about matches my weight. No sling around my neck, though. Break wasn’t too bad (rather clean, really) and Nova’s got great remedies for fixin’ me up quickly. Cybernetic skeletons got their perks, I guess. My head’s hangin’ low, my neck hurts, my entire form like a sloppy mess of sad, lost, stupid animal.

I feel just… numb. And I know numb well enough. Believe me, with the amount’a times I’ve been filled up with anesthesia (on a good day, back on Halfworld, which is rare), numbness like that’s almost second nature.

But this numb is.. different. I don’t usually feel this numbness. It’s alien, distant. I’m scared of it. It almost feels like a terrible weight is pressin’ down on my chest. Not that it makes me sad or happy or anything. It just… there’s nothin’ to feel.

“Just coz he wanted an hour alone before… before…”

“I am Groot.” I feel like Groot’s voice is somethin’ I haven’t heard in a thousand years. Everytime I hear that phrase, I can’t manage but to notice that there is somethin’ tuggin’ at me a bit. And that’s reassuring, knowing that there is somethin’ there for me to feel… I guess. Whatever it is.  _ Rocket, do not find a reason to be upset. Do not think about that. It's like digging into a pile of glass shards that will cut you and make you bleed just to find a golden piece of glass… which will also cut you all the same. _

Groot’s always been here for me, especially during this very troubling time. He hasn’t left my side in two weeks since the entire ordeal was finished, since we managed to actually finish up all this Infinity Stone drama once and for all. Earthers weren’t somethin’ we’d expected, and Groot was especially protective around some of them particularly around that Spider-Man. Peter was his name, I think? 

But these past two days where I’m sittin’ in the silence of the cockpit, starin’ blankly out into black space, he’s been my savin’ grace for not goin’ ballistic and having a breakdown. I’ve come close to it, too. But Groot’s there to calm me down.

I don’t look at him, though, when he offers me his pretty relevant glass metaphor. I'd commend him in his intelligence on a normal day but I just ignore it completely. “Gamora’s in her room. Prob’bly should go tell her we’ll be planetside of Kelvin in four hours,” I say in monotone.

“I am Groot,” Groot tells me, reaching over and rubbing my back gently with one rough hand.  _ Perhaps you should sleep, Rocket. I can watch the ship controls.  _

Usually, if I were in a good mood, I’d tell Groot he’s too dumb to land the ship but I haven’t slept in a day. And all my sleep throughout the week hasn't been all that great. Haven't even been to my bed for a proper sleep. When I have slept, it was in the cockpit. And Groot, bein’ the best guy in the universe, carried me outta the vahre in the middle of the night and put me on the tiny, springy couch we’d all sit on and watch awful holo-films on. Not outta my choice, though. Got woken up by a bad dream and didn’t go back to bed since… actually, it’s been a little over twenty four hours. Huh.

A literal day.

“O-Okay.” My voice is scratchy as I rise from my spot, tail draggin’ close behind me, every part of me that is capable of fallin’ in sadness doin’ exactly that. Before I trudge off down the tiny stairwell I give Groot a pat on the shoulder and leave our conversation at that.

I go to bed without changin’ my clothes, completely lookin’ over the fact that I needed to let Gamora know we’re gonna be inbound soon.

Not that it matters, though. 

I don’t know where we’re goin’.

 

00000

 

I wake up with my blankets thrown onto the floor, my pillows at the other end of the bed. The sound of something rappin’ slightly at my door stirs me up a bit, which is a little bit on the frustrating side for me. I grumbled somethin’ incoherent to which the knocks come a little louder.

“Rocket?”

It’s Gamora. “Yeah?” I grumble with my usual morning voice.

“We’re on Kelvin. According to Groot, it’s been four hours since arrival.” In Gamora’s simple, short, factoid-like sentences are hints of stinging pain and drowning sadness. She seems unwavering, of course, but I know Gamora. She’s in the same state as me ‘n’ Groot. We’re all dealin’ with it in our own way, but she seems the most stubborn to say that she is fine, that there’s nothin’ wrong with her.

“Great,” I mumble back into my pillow, wipin’ away my drool dribblin’ outta my mouth as I open my eyes groggily, listenin’ carefully. I hear Gamora stride away slowly by the click-clack of her heels as I slowly pull myself from a slumped shape into a normal lookin’ person.

Person? Yeah, I’m a person. I mean, yeah, a raccoon, but a person. That’s what Quill always said, anyways.

I give a wide yawn and wipe my chin again since I slobber like crazy as I carefully slide off the bed, careful not to move the cast on my arm and hand too quickly. I take a step forward, lookin’ around-

_ Crackle. _

I step on somethin’? “The hell?” I lift my foot up and that’s where I found it.

That’s where I found the first one. The first one of many, tiny reminders of someone who apparently knows all of us really well.

It’s a simple item. A folded up piece of paper, now crumbled up by the force of my heel steppin’ on it. It’s a glorious shade of green, I’d say a few complexions lighter than Gamora’s skin, maybe, and around only an inch in length and height.

I unfold it quickly to it’s full, five by two size only to be greeted by somewhat familiar handwriting. And I read it about seven times just to be sure I’m not dreamin’.

 

_ Rocket! _

_ Hey! Figured by now things have settled down and you guys are all doing good. And if not good, you’re definitely gonna get there. If you found this it means things… you know, didn’t work out the way they should have. Probably shouldn’t have put this under your pillow. You’re gonna find it before bed and end up gettin’ all emo on me. _

_ Can ya do me a huge favor? Keep Gamora happy. Don't be such a dick even if it's an easy opportunity for you to get a laugh. And make sure Drax stays smart. Keep him on his toes. Let Mantis pour her heart out to you when she needs to. She likes you a lot, Rocket. And tell Groot that I love him to death and we’ll dance together again. _

_ And by the way, I need you to stay in your best state of mind. Smile as much as you can. Don't mourn me forever. I knew this was gonna happen. That's why I needed my hour alone. :) _

_ Keep those teeth sharp! _

__ _ \- Pete  _

 

It’s signed by Quill.

I blink in shock, then read it again. Blink. Read. Blink. Read.

Blink. Read.

This repeats for some time.

“Fuckin’-”

I snarl, crumple the tiny paper sheet with two fists and toss it into the corner of my room. How in the fuck did he do this? How? This makes… no fuckin’ sense, none at all.

I decide not to mention the note to either of them, although the glassy look in my eye is in need of explanation when Gamora asks if I’m crying.

I just make the excuse of allergies.

 

00000

 

The next note we find actually gets discovered later on that night. The three of us, despite lookin’ like messes and feelin’ outta it, decide to restock the Milano although none of us feel like eating. But we gotta, just because we need to live.

We don’t wanna carry on like this, though. There’s nothin’ left to live for.

We come back with masses of materials along with our food for the next two weeks, bundled up in Groot’s arms. He says he doesn’t mind carryin’ it all, as long as we both assist in puttin’ it all away. Gamora gave Groot a bright smile and a nod, tellin’ him “You are a noble, wonderful friend, Groot. We’re lucky to have you with us.” A little strange for Gamora’s character, but hey, me’n’ her did kinda set the parental standard for the guy when he was growing back. Guess she views him in a different light now.

The look of genuine, pure joy on the guy’s face at the remark even made me smile. God knows he needs a fuckin’ pick me up.

We head to the galley after all three of us barely squeeze in through the circular hatch on the side of the Milano and immediately get to work. Sauces, noodles, materials to make those waffles Quill showed us, all of it. Gamora is silent as she works. Groot is too as he takes items from me that I offer with my one good hand. Usually I’m of better help, jumping high up into one of the cupboards effortlessly to put everything away in an organized fashion. But I can’t exactly be the best of me when I got one arm quite literally tied behind my back.

When Groot opens one of the higher cupboards he is nearest to, the one where we keep useless junk food just because we all have our own different types of sweet tooths, somethin’ flutters out and lands on the ground in the shape of a square.

Oh no.

It can’t be another one, right? That first one was a… a fluke? Yeah, that. Quill’s too lazy to put ‘em up all over the d’ast ship.

Groot gives a ‘hm’ from low in his throat. Gamora turns after puttin’ a bag of coffee beans up in another cupboard, opening up our compact refrigerating unit to put a carton of gargan eggs away.

“What is that, Groot?” she asks from behind the door. 

I go to answer, but hesitate and keep my jaw clamped shut. She doesn’t notice.

Groot reaches down and unfolds it, and I watch with a calm exterior and a nervous interior as his fingers unfold it before examining it closely. He stares at it long and hard for a moment before his mouth falls agape.

“Groot?” Gamora only receives silence for a moment before she speaks up again. “Groot? Are you…?”

“I-I am Groot?” he stutters, holding out the piece of paper to me.  _ R-Rocket…? Do you want to see? _

I take it from Groot with a shaky hand, tighten my jaw after I give a sigh through my nose and I read aloud.

_ Hey, Rocket. _

_ Figured you’d try to get into this cupboard sooner or later. Groot, if this is you, good for helping Rocket out. Short dude can’t really reach up there since he’s literally three feet tall. Gamora, if this is you, go ahead, eat all the chocolate you want. I know you love it. Don't lie. Drax- _

 

I stop for a moment, my breath hitchin’ in my throat.

 

_ -you never really open this up. So… yeah. But I’m pretty sure Rocket’ll find this. _ __

I look up from the paper to Gamora and Groot, carefully notin’ the glare on Gamora’s end and the sad look from Groot before I keep pressin’ on.

 

_ I know you always come out after you’re tinkering and building late into the night and get something to snack on. I’m usually up when it happens, too. Remember our talk about David Bowie? Yeah, I know I’m not there to talk about him with you again, but you’ll be okay. Promise. And I don’t break my promises, buddy. _

_ Don’t mess up my ship too bad. And for the love of all that’s good, keep a pair of wire cutters nearby in case your bombs start ticking again. _

 

  * __Star-Lord__



 

 

I tremble slightly as I look back at Gamora sadly. The air grows tighter as we share a look of confusion, the deathly glare in her eye gone like it was never there to begin with. She probably assumed this was a joke on my part, but once she heard that last bit, I’m sure she knows this ain’t a joke from me. I got a bitin’ sense’a humor, a witty taste in sarcasm, but...

But I can’t joke about Quill not bein’ here.

“I-I need a moment.” Gamora dismisses herself from the galley, all the while also dismissing us from seein’ her for the rest of the night.

Me ‘n’ Groot don’t care to eat that night. Instead we head to my room and he scratches my head until I pass out on my bed, this time with the pillows and all.

 

00000

 

The one that hurt the most, aside from the last one from the cupboard with the snacks, is in a strange place, under the pot that Groot grew himself back in. That’s where I find one made for Drax.

It's so strange that we never found that one.Me and these other two have been in and out many times now, but we never noticed it because it was mostly hidden underneath of Groot’s pot. 

We never got rid of it because I never wanted to. I always wanted to keep it as a reminder of my greatest achievement: bringin’ my best friend back to life.

Today’s the day I decide to get over it and throw it out. It’s takin’ up space and lookin’ at the thing isn’t really helpin’ any of us get over our most recent losses at all. It's a bad reminder of a bad event in my life, even if I'm still a little prideful in the stupid porcelain object.

This tiny paper is a neon, buzzing blue when it slides across the table when I lift the pot up with a low growl. But the growl subsides when I catch sight of the bright color, and I immediately forget about dropping the pot outta the airlock in an instant.

At first I consider throwing it out, tearin’ it to shreds, burnin’ it in our thrusters. But I… I can’t do that. It’s from Peter. I gotta know what it says, even though these are the worst fuckin’ things in the galaxy to be findin’ right now.

So, as usual, I pick the paper up and flip it over to unfold it. This one, unlike the others, has a name written neatly across it in all capital letters.

Not my name. Not ‘R-O-C-K-E-T’. 

But ‘D-R-A-X.’

I take in a breath before unfolding it quickly and takin’ a seat at the table. I know I’m definitely gonna need to sit down for this one.

I’m still not ready even as I start readin’ in silence.

 

_ Drax, _

_ Hey man. I know you like to sit around at this table and sharpen your knives and think and whatever else it is you do. I know you draw a lot. And let me tell you- that heart you did out of pure boredom? Fantastic! Surely you used your memory for that one? Experience, right? Yeah, probably. I’ve seen you tear hearts out many times now and damn it’s awesome. _

 

I actually laugh quietly at that.

 

_ So since I’m gone now, I need you to do me a few favors to better yourself and to better our little ragtag group of misfits. First off, ask Gamora about metaphors or concepts you don’t understand. Rocket usually lies about ‘em for jokes and Groot obviously can’t say more than three words to us. Secondly, keep those knives sharp. Keep our friends protected, especially Mantis. I know she’s capable, but just keep her safe. Gamora, Rocket, and Groot, too. And this last one... it’s about Rocket specifically. There are days where he gets really you know, down on himself. And if he starts to get upset about certain  _ **_THINGS_ ** _ , I need you to calm him down. You know what to do. I'm on my asking you because Groot’s hands can be way too splintery sometimes and Rocket doesn’t like bothering Gamora with that sort of thing. And he's shy around Mantis still, the moron. _

_ He’ll especially need it by the time you find this. Go give the little dude a scratch behind his left ear. He likes that the most. _

 

  * __Quill__



 

 

Yeah. I need it alright.

I just wish Drax was here too.

But he’s havin’ a family reunion of his own.

Hope he’s happy.

 

00000

 

Two days later, Groot offers the idea of listening to Awesome Mix Volume One. He tells us it’s going to help pick us up out of the gutter, make us smile a little bit.

Maybe it will.

But when he brought it up, I didn't even think that maybe he was right. I lost it and went on a tirade that reduced him to a teary-eyed look and a muffled ‘I am Groot’ that I couldn't even translate.

That’s because I’m drinkin’ tonight.

We found a bottle in the very back of one of our cupboards, far behind age old mix for some sorta baking good and oil for simmerin’ when we cook shit. We bought it to celebrate one of our victories over some weird space pirate group, I think. But we were all too tired and outta it to actually drink together like we usually would when we got back on the ship.

We all passed out in the top deck in our seats.

That was a good day.

Anyways, I’m so emotionally hurt that I need somethin’ to make me feel better. The Drax note really fucked me up hard. And drinking? Well, seems like the best option to dull the dark, dreary feeling pressin’ on me.

“Ya really think I wanna do that right now?!” I say with a slurred tone, saliva violently lappin’ outta my mouth. “No! Why in the hell would you even think we’d want to?! I-I can’t! NONE OF US WANNA DO THAT, GROOT!”

The tape in his hand smacks the floor as it slides out of his trembling fingers. “I-I am Gr-Groot…”  _ I did not m-mean any harm... _

“Than fuck off and get lost!”

He stumbles outta our room that we share together, all the while making these awful, choked, blubberin’ sounds.

Groot sleeps in the cockpit alone that night, and I end up passin’ out on the floor flat on my back with a bottle of fuckin’ booze spilled all over.

I wake up in vomit, but I know I deserve it.

 

00000

 

The next day, we’re all quiet. Groot and I are not on the best of terms. I know I'm in the wrong for blowing up in him like a fucking atomic bomb. I can be an angry drunk now and then. Not justifying it. I'm just well aware of it.

I'm returning from the dryer with my blanket balled up in my arms, having a bit of my nasty vomit gettin’ on it on the corner of the bedspread.

While nursing a killer migraine, I'm slowly making my way to my room where Groot usually sits against the wall. He's not in there right now. He's ignoring me as he sets our course for Xandar. Mantis is in need of a ride. And I'm actually excited to see her. Need someone to talk to. She's very sociable.

As I go to fix the empty mattress, I hear a muffled gasping sound from the room next to mine.

Gamora.

I slip out a little quickly and am surprised to find the door open. I go in uninvited, because Gamora isn't looking at me. She has her face in her palms, sitting on her bed in a small form.

There's another note laying on the steel floor. I grab it up as quickly as possible.

 

_ Gamora. _

 

_ I knew you'd be sleeping on my little cot for the past few days. You didn't even want to come into your own room to sleep. You can't fool me. You miss me. And I miss you guys. _

_ Gamora, we had fun. You showed me how to be a leader and I showed you how to dance. Sorta. You're our little family’s mom and I'm the annoying dad who makes bad jokes. Drax is the cool uncle who's a better dad than I could be. Groot is a funny weird neighbor, and Rocket’s a high maintenance little kid. _

_ I love that idea. This isn't just a team for me, Gamora. We’re the best dysfunctional family in the universe. And I know we joked about it that one night. Rocket and Groot were offering a new prototype gun to Nova Prime, and Drax and Mantis were killing time by shopping for new clothes. (Side note: Remember when they came back and Mantis had Drax all gussied up in the most expensive suit in the galaxy? The guy looked so stiff and uncomfortable and it was just HILARIOUS.) _

_ And that left us. Just me and you and something to drink. We watched bad Xandarian drama holo-shows and then… well, you know. Things happened. It was the heat of the moment, and I couldn't believe that this was happening. _

_ That was the best night of my life. _

_ I'm sorry we couldn't take it further. _

 

  * __Peter__



 

 

My heart is broken. I swallow hard as I toss the paper ball I just formed over my shoulder. Without warning Gams, I pull myself onto the bed and sit close at her side. She isn't sobbing, but I know she's crying. She's shaking slightly, her hands catching any and all tears before she could let me see them fall down her face.

“Gamora…?”

It grows silent. I hate it but I admit that I'm emotional from that as well. “I-I dunno what to-”

“Please,” she finally speaks after a moment, resting one of her hands on my arms lightly, “stay with me for a while, Rocket. I feel so…”

She doesn't finish. But I know that the last word was bound to be alone.

I nod my head. “I-I know. Me too.”

That night we both fell asleep in that bed, her arms wrapping around me tightly as I told her a more light hearted story about Groot and I’s second prison escape. It's strange for me to be pullin’ Gams out of her sadness. Didn't even know I was that good at it.

That was the best sleep I’d ever gotten in my life.

 

00000

 

Gamora and Groot both agree to go out and retrieve Mantis from the Nova Corps hospital grounds and allow me to shower.

Just before they left though, I pull Groot aside.

“Buddy?”

“I am Groot?”  _ Rocket? _

“I'm so fuckin’ sorry for blowin’ up on you. I didn't mean it. I'm not in my head, bud. Ya… ya know?”

He nods and kneels down on my level, giving a my undeserving ass a pat on the head. “I am Groot.”  _ I understand, Rocket. We all are suffering.  _

“I-I know. Thags why I didn't like hearin’ ya sob and shit. Felt bad.”

Believe it or not, I'm the one who gives the tree a quick hug around his wide neck instead of vice versa. He's surprised by it too, but he doesn't say anything. The colossus just smiles and leaves the shop with Gamora at his side.

I decide to shower. It's been a few days since I'd done so and I'm probably starting to stink. So I make my way to the shower and undress myself before turning on the hot water.

It's a quiet, long shower. No one boards the ship for the twenty minutes I'm in there. I expected as much. Gamora mentioned going to grab a bite to eat with Mantis and Groot. I declined invitation for obvious reasons.

I'm not in the best place. I lost two of the people closest to me just weeks ago. We all lost them, but we’re all coping differently.

My coping doesn't involve association with the public.

After shampooing myself down and enjoying the steam of the shower, I turn off the water and shake myself off in typical raccoon fashion. I then grab up my fluffy dark colored towel and dry off the excess water that drops off my fur as I head to the sink to climb up and look in the mirror.

The raccoon in front of me doesn't look like Rocket. His fur is clean, but his eyes are tired. Ears pressed down, mouth in an unmoving frown.

This isn't Rocket.

But it is.

This is me. I look unfamiliar and have dreadful feelings. I want to leave. I want to die. I want to see Quill again.

I sigh and go to leave the room. But the sight of something sticking out of the bottom from behind the mirror catches my attention. I open it quickly and out falls a piece of paper that lands in the wet sink. 

I grab it up and unravel it before it can get drenched in the water dripping off my fur.

 

_ Hey. _

_ Just a reminder that I love you guys. _

_ And no, my razors aren't here. I got rid of those for a reason that I don't want to disclose in this note. But I'll just say I also got rid of anything else someone could use to off themselves with even though we’re on a vessel full of guns. But I know some of us may be more inclined toward that notion than others.  _

_ You all got this. I know you do. _

_ Also, dental hygiene is important! Floss! _

 

  * __Star-Lord__



 

 

I went to my room with that note tightly grasped in my hand and only left when the three returned home.

There may not have been a name, but I know this is for me.

 

00000

 

Mantis had been warned about the amazing stunt that Quill had pulled off. Groot and Gamora went into amazing detail about the notes that had been placed all around the ship in some pretty damn clever places. And she was expecting to find one sooner or later.

But Mantis was still pleasantly surprised when she found the tiny yellow paper note that was made specifically for her from Peter.

She'd been on the Milano for a good two or so days. And she was about as broken as expected, maybe more. She didn't have much time to mourn our losses like we had. She'd been on the clock 24/7 in helping the wounded on Xandar.

She's a good person for that. She always puts others, not just us, before herself.

Our course was set for Kelvin-II. We were going there to pick up a few materials for a little getaway in Felix, a beach-like planet with resorts on every inch of the surface. Crystal clear water, white sand, warm temperatures. We all could use it, Groot figures.

As we were prepping for our few days vacation, the telepath and I were cleaning up around the ship. She's very tidy, and seeing the ship in disarray was pretty stressful to her.

I guess her way of coping is distractions. Distractions and a lot of bleach-based cleaners that burn my nostrils. Yeesh.

As she was wiping down the legs of the table on the main floor she found something bright yellow stuck to the bottom of said table.

“Oh.”

I turn around from my task of rearranging our ever expanding collection of movies Quill started. “What is it?”

She peels the paper from under the table and unfolds it. My heart stops. I almost forgot about these. We haven't found any as of late.

And she reads it aloud.

 

_ Mantis. _

_ Somehow I figured you'd find this while cleaning. Or more likely, someone found it while you all had dinner together. _

_ But seriously, I don’t know where to begin. You are like the little sister I never had to me. So caring, so unique, and so funny. Please stay that way, and brighten up the mood of everyone else. Keep Rocket out of trouble. Don't let him say something stupid to get him into a fight. Talk with Groot more. Lord knows he needs more to talk to than Rocket. Take Gamora out for a girl’s night. She likes space sushi, believe it or not. _

Mantis stops reading to me momentarily, her big black eyes looking glassy and her mouth curving downward slightly.

_ And you know what to do with Drax. You two bonded so fast and so strongly. Keep it that way. _

_ Keep doing that thing where you embarrass them with your feeling powers or whatever it's called. It was funny. _

 

  * __Peter__



 

 

Mantis excused herself in a tight voice.

And finally, she let herself mourn in a proper way, even though I didn't like hearing her quietly cry in the cockpit.

 

00000

 

It's late at night when there's the sudden sound of an alarm going off loud and clear throughout the entire ship.

Groot and I jump awake. Definitely know what this is. It's a message requesting streaming from our main holo-screen in the second floor. And based off of the loud, blaring noise, this is an emergency.

So I, half naked and half awake, yawn widely as I climb up Groot’s shoulder. I don't even bother throwing something over my exposed back. I'm comfortable tryin’ to sleep this way and it's no secret that I'm a genetic experiment. Scars are forever.

So Groot shakes himself off and we head toward the sound.

Mantis is already at the screen, and we’re joined by our green assassin a few moments later. And damn, we look wild. My fur’s pressed down in my face on one side, my black pair of pants I sleep in slipping off my waist a bit. Gamora has her hair tied up in a messy bun and doesn't look to happy to have been awake. Mantis, the poor girl, can barely keep her puffy eyes open.

She cried herself to sleep.

“I-I got it,” I grumble, sliding down Groot’s arm and moving Mantis aside, who is just staring at the controls quizzically. A button press later, the blaring sound stops and the screen changes from “QUEUED VIDEO INCOMING” to…

Wait, 'queued’?

The screen comes to life.

The Milano interior.

I raise an eyebrow. “One’a you guys accidentally queue a-”

“Alllright,” comes a voice from the other side as a form takes a seat in full view. 

The voice makes my skin crawl before a human shape takes a seat just in front of the camera’s view.

And seeing him here is… crazy. It's unreal. It's impossible Dopey half-size, fluffy hair all messed up, and a somewhat confident composure.

It's Pete.

The pregnant pause that fills the room is suffocating. We all sit in awe at the sight before us, and I nearly fall backward in shock. Groot sees this and braces for impact, holding out his hand and steadying my balance.

“Hey guys,” Star-Lord begins, giving a little wave to the camera. “This is the weirdest thing I've ever had to do. Weirder than that Oskovarian incident even. Like, yeah, anyone can have sex with a weird alien creature but, uh…” He trails off, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “It's not every day someone has to film a video knowing it's gonna be the last gift he gives his friends. I mean, maybe it's like writing a will, but…”

A lump finds itself lodged in my throat. The bastard…

“But hey, I don't want this to be the saddest thing ever!” Quill's sudden ecstatic tone returns, giving us a full smile again. “That isn't me. I can't leave you guys with a sad goodbye. I gotta make you laugh and smile and wanna punch me in my handsome face all at the same time.”

Behind me, I can hear Mantis laugh quietly behind her sniffles. 

“But yeah. If you're seeing this, I'm gone. I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen, and not just generally. I mean something bad is gonna happen to me specifically.”

I can feel a frown carving its way onto my face, my breathing shallow and fast. I'm surprised by Gamora’s reaction. I don't look at her, but her breathing hasn't hitched or anything. I’d be able to hear it with that hella good 'coon hearing I'm blessed with.

I'm secretly glad no one else can hear me like I can hear them.

“And I dunno if that bad thing is death or injury or what, but…” Peter closes his eyes for a second, taking in a deep breath. This was hard on him, I can tell. He blinks his eyes open and I can see they're somewhat glossier than before. “But I know it wasn't all for nothing. I know it in my heart.” He taps his chest for emphasis. “I-I would give my life for you guys, just like I hope you guys would for me. Like Groot did for us WAAAY back when.” Quill gives a little chuckle, rubbing the tears out of his eyes with his palms. 

I do the same.

“That sure was something, wasn't it?” Peter laughs louder this time, head tilted back, taken over by his joy at the memory he's living in. “Gamora getting jet-booted into the fountain, Rocket shooting me with a fuckin’ stun gun…”

Behind me I hear Gamora give a sigh of… well, sounds weird, but happy disappointment. She's laughing at the incident she's embarrassed of. 

I laugh a little, too. But I know if I go any louder I'll burst into a crying mess or somethin’.

“Groot ripped the guy a new set of nostrils and then we have Drax being all murdery and shit. And then Mantis! We find her working for Ego and boom.” He snaps his fingers when he says boom for, again, emphasis. “Suddenly there's another important person to add to our fucked up little family we got going on.”

Groot’s branches creak as I hear him reach over to Mantis and rest his hand in her shoulder reassuringly. I turn toward her and see the telepath give Groot a smile.

“And it's just… it's been the ride of a lifetime. And these new guys-” Peter gestures outward. “They're amazing. Captain America?! Like, seriously?! I'm literally living the dream. Or, well, I  _ lived _ the dream.” Silence falls on Quill's video, the half-Terran looking into the screen with his smile fading slowly. “Look, I-I know it's gonna be hard. But it's gonna be okay. Team wise, any of you are fit to be a leader. Rocket’s always offered to take over if I ever bit the dust and it sure as shit seems like it's his turn to take the wheel.”

I know he can't hear me, but I still shake my head and resist, saying, “Quill… no, bud.”

“And… I don't know. You're all the best damn group of people I've ever encountered. Right now I'm sitting her making this and just…” Pete leans back, huffing a breath. “I'm just… my brain is going through everything we've been through. Ronan, Ego, and… now the Infinity Gauntlet. And the lighter shit, too. Me and you, Gams, and our night together… Groot being this tiny little sprig who just wanted to dance…”

I cross my arms tightly across my chest, trying to make myself smaller, as if he isn't gonna go back to somethin’ relevant to me and him.

He keeps talking. “...Drax and his affinity for helping me try to find the best pathetic woman for me.” The dweeb winks at the camera. “Mantis and the Timothy incident…”

Mantis chuckles lowly to herself. “Oh, Peter…” I don't know what that means. Must've been out of commission for that one.

“And Rocket and me going on and on that one day about Earth music. David Bowie and all that good stuff.”

Hearing him mention my fucking name.

That's it.

That's the thing that finally, after all these weeks, makes me crack like a mirror gettin’ a hammer thrown through it. It's overwhelming, the amount of emotions I'm feeling. I've got tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, but this video is so… nice.

As embarrassing as it is, I feel my lip quiver. I shake my head quickly, blinking back the tears that are ready to spill any second now.

“It’s all so damn beautiful,” Peter says the light shining against his eyes a little more. When he speaks, his voice is tighter. He's about to cry. “And I'm really glad I got to retrace it all for you guys again.” Suddenly, as if in cue, there's another voice that makes Quill turn his head with a little smirk.

“Pete! We don't fit all the time in the world. Universe in trouble, ya idiot!”

It's me.

“Out in a second.” Peter looks back to the camera and cracks a smile, wiping the tear that's falling down his cheek quickly. “Rocket, you little shit. Duty calls.” He stands up, pops out his back and then his face is suddenly back in view. “Oh shit. Right under the holo-screen device is one more thing for you. It's my last real gift. It’s exactly what you'd expect: something I love that I want to share with you guys. Thank Tony Stark for me.” And one last time, Peter Jason Quill, Star-Lord, gives us his award winning grin. “Mantis, Gamora, Rocket, Groot, and Drax? I love you guys.” And with that, Pete reaches forward and the video blacks out a moment later.

The room is still and cold. We all just stare forward at the blank screen, all of us secretly hoping that Pete is gonna pop back up and give us more words of wisdom. He's gonna come back and crack one last joke about Jackson Pollock or something, right?

But he doesn't show back up. So I lift the rectangular device and behold, another goddamn note.

I take it up and just stare at it, fingers pinching it so hard it crumples at the edges. “The… bastard…” Tears spilling over, I flip it open and read it to myself.

 

_ The last note. _

_ Unless you guys missed one, this is it.  _

_ I saved that video under our archived transmissions in case you guys wanna see me again. I know it'll get hard sometimes and hearing me talk might help. _

_ But I asked Tony Stark to help me with this last thing. He promised to do it under these circumstances and given that you guys keep finding these things everywhere, those circumstances are reality. He’ll comply. He promised me. _

_ So head to Earth. He’ll know what you're there for. _

_ See ya on the flipside, Guardians of the Galaxy. _

 

  * __Peter__



 

 

00000

 

And three days later, here we are.

It took all of 'em a long time to convince me to go to Earth. I didn't think I was ready. I wasn't willing to take Quill's last gift to us coz I thought it'd hurt me way too much.

But I know I can't be selfish right now.

I went in to the Avengers headquarters alone, tellin’ the other three I wouldn't be long. I took the elevator alone, made some nice small talk with the AI Friday, and when I reached the Iron Man Lab.

“M-Mister Stark? Did you invite the space raccoon here or…?”

Down here with the Man of Iron himself is the Spider-Kid, but he's sporting some new upgrades himself. Red and gold suit, metallic shine to it, with three appendages on the back that act as… well, legs.

“Peter, no, I give air clearance to anyone that flies past here,” Tony replies with fluent snarkiness. “Take off the Iron Spider suit and go upstairs. I'll fix the appendages tonight. Until then, your original outfit will work.”

“Right.” Peter Parker struts past me and gives a little salute to me with a little smile. He's a nice kid, really. Reminds me of Quill with his smart attitude. “Good to see you, little dude. Holding up okay?”

Even that question sounds a lot like something the Star-Lord I know and love would say.

“Yeah. We’re all okay,” I lie.

“Good. You staying for long? I'd love to show you Doom and kick your fuzzy ass at Mortal Kombat.”

I crack a smile for the first time in a while. “Nah. Just getting a thing from Stark. Maybe in a couple weeks?” 

Peter nods in understanding. “Right. Well, anyways, see ya around, Ranger Rick.” The elevator goes up a moment later.

I'm stunned by Peter calling me Ranger Rick for a moment. 

But Tony’s “Earth to Rocket” pulls me out of my trance.

“You okay?” Stark’s attitude has taken a 360 completely. No snark, no jokes, no teasing He understands what I'm dealing with. He's dealing with it too. A few of his friends and teammates went down hard, much like Quill and Drax.

I shrug, trotting over to the nearest workbench where I take a seat among the various bits of armor. “Could be better. Don't know what we’re wall gonna do but I'm figuring it out. How's your Avengers?”

“Well,” the genius billionaire leans up against the table, arms crossed as he looks up at the ceiling in thought. “We’re doing… fine. Losing people is hard, but…” He shrugs.

“Vision?”

“Working hard on him. T’Challa is helping with the vibranium.” His eyes fall to my arm cast. “You doing good with the break?”

I lift up the heavy cast and inspect it. “Mantis says it should be good to go in time. Want it off now, though. Keepin’ me from my work.”

Tony scoffs and gives me a real grin. “Sound like me.” He leaves his spot and heads toward one of his own holo-screens. But he doesn't touch it. Instead he picks up something in a small, brown, rectangular box. “Quill's instructions were oddly specific.” He tosses it to me and I catch it with my one hand.

I inspect it carefully. “What is it?”

“Can't say,” Tony tells me in a sing song tone. “Peter wanted you losers to open it all together. Which I understand.” He turns to one of the Iron Man helmets and picks it up, squinting into its eyeholes. “So I'd go do that if I were you. Wouldn't wanna keep them waiting, would you?”

“Yeah, you're right. Would stay for a drink and a little getaway but I told 'em we wouldn't be long.” I stand up on the free space, fixing my flightsuit so it doesn't bunch up in my waist so much. “Be back soon, Stark.”

“Take Peter Parker with you, please,” he jokes. “He's driving me bonkers with this Iron Spider hype of his.”

I grin, approaching the elevator with Quill's last gift in hand. “Nah, you love the kid. And I do too, but ya need him right now. Ya know it.”

And the elevator shuts behind me.

 

00000

 

I get the Milano outta Earth’s orbit after I've urged a certain Spider-Man to get off before we open up the little brown package.

It sits on the table in front of us, all four pairs of eyes looking down on it in curiosity. No one has any ideas of the contents.

“What in the hell could require Tony Stark…?”

“No idea, Gams.” I look to Groot and offer, “Maybe some sorta… I dunno, earrings? The guy can weld, right?”

Mantis shakes her head. “Earrings?”

“Hey, we all got ears here!” I say, my ears pointing up higher. “It's something for all of us idiots…”

“But Peter doesn't necessarily love earrings,” Gamora observes. “He never wore any.”

Groot lets out a low chuckle.

“What's funny?” Gamora asks with a raised eyebrow.

“I am Groot,” he croons with a smile.  _ We are joking and laughing. It's like old times. _

Mantis smiles at that, given her telepathic ability. “Indeed, Groot,” she says, before turning back to the rectangle. “Who should open it?”

I don't hesitate. I pick it up and before someone can offer a “wait”, I rip the brown paper off the box and reveal the white matte surface beneath.

I tear the lid off and throw it over my head.

And what do I see?

Earrings?

No.

It's small like the box, encased in a clear case for storage and protection. The actual object is of a gray color with two circular niches about an inch apart. And there's a brown label across the front of it.

It reads  _ Awesome Mix: Vol 0. _

We all look in awe at it. It's a tape. But of what?

I flip it around and look.

I've never heard of any of these songs.

It's not full of 'Cherry Bomb’ or 'Fox On The Run’. To me, these are brand new songs.

“Peter said he wanted to give us something he…He loved,” Gamora slowly begins. “And he once told me that these tapes from his mother are of the songs she loved…”

Mantis blinks. “He's sharing his music with us.”

And so I find myself wordlessly heading toward the tape player that Quill had built himself.

“I am Groot?”  _ Rocket? _

I don't answer. I pop open the cassette holder and carefully remove  _ Awesome Mix Vol. 0  _ from its plastic enclosure and into the player. The player closes with a click.

I awake hard as I push play.

A guitar strums lightly, going down a scale and strumming a few more notes. Suddenly, a strong but delicate drum beat comes in, and the guitar continues.

 

_ I never meant to cause you any sorrow _

 

And again, here we are. 

Look, I know I'm an emotional guy but I keep it down in lock pretty well. But that opening lyric and the context of my life right now is just…

Perfect. This is like Quill is in my face and speaking directly to me.

 

_ I never meant to cause you any pain _

 

I snicker through my teary eyes at that. Coz damn Quill, ya did a number on me, man. I’ve never felt this bad in my life. It's worse than when I lost Groot for a minute.

I turn around and look to the other three behind me, all looking as you'd expect them.

Overjoyed, heartbroken, humbled, and… smiling?

They're smiling, through teary eyes and pained looks on their faces.

And so am I.

 

_ I only wanted one time to see you laughing _

 

It's been hard. All of this. Death has been in top'a us like a hawk on its prey. And we've been suffering so damn much. But now, Quill's gone out and done it again.

Even in death, he's making us all happy. He's making the best of the worst.

He's makin’ me smile at more stupid Terran music.

 

_ I only want to see you laughing in the purple rain _

 

And I actually laugh. It's just so… I don't know, amusing? It's just amazing that he did this. And this song? C’mon. This is all such a well orchestrated plot in Pete’s end.

And I'm crying at the same time as I laugh aloud, a mixture of pain and joy in my face as the song echoes loudly through the Milano. 

And when the song ended and a track called Beat It started pounding down the walls, Groot danced. 

And we all laughed at how stupid be looked.

 

00000

 

That night wasn't as cold, metaphorically or physically, as we slept. We listened to the tape that was made specifically for us for hours. The best track? Can't say.

But I kept the mix playing all night long, playing low enough for us all to hear even as we all went to bed.

Even long after everyone else went to bed, I let the first track play again as I let the wicked good guitar solo lull my tired ass to sleep.

This time there weren't any tears or sadness pressing down in my chest. Just the warmth of the bed and the feeling of knowing that Quill is in a better place. And the music is just the best possible way to get out.

It's finally getting warmer.

I nudge Groot on the neck as I curl up around his shoulder. “Guess we did need Awesome Mix, eh?”

The tree grins at me. “I am Groot.”

_ Of course we did. I’m always right. _

And not long after, we both slept to the sounds of Purple Rain.

**Author's Note:**

> Purple Rain is definitely the song that carried me til the end here. Fits the whole story if you actually pay attention to the lyrics.
> 
> Other notes:
> 
> \- Mantis wasn't originally in this, like I said earlier. But after writing her in Ricochet, I decided she would be a good fit for this story too. Gave it another little arc to explore too. Plus I love her character.
> 
> \- The part where drunk Rocket yells at Groot was surprisingly hard to nail, despite how brief it is. It's hard to find a mean Rocket that isn't an edgelord so.
> 
> \- The part where Gamora and Rocket sleep together was included coz I am a HOE for the the rare pairing of these two together. Course it probably won't ever happen. I just imagine they're very close since they're both so alike. #goreadriskybusiness
> 
> \- The bathroom note. No, I don't think Rocket's borderline suicidal. It wouldn't surprise me if at some point in his life he was given his traumatic backstory. But I think Peter did it more as a precaution for everyone even though Rock thinks it's specifically for him.
> 
> \- I LOVE TOM HOLLAND'S SPIDER-MAN. Also threw in references to Doom and MKX coz those are two of my favorite games of 2016. I'm sure Rocket would appreciate both, especially Doom. 
> 
> \- The song choices for Peter's tape were SO WIDE before I settled on Purple Rain. I had a few other options but none were as good as that one was for the story's tone. Pllus it's a great song altogether.
> 
> Comments are hella appreciated.


End file.
